Halloween Horror Nights Mazes 2016

Universal Studios Hollywood

It's almost time... with Midsummer Scream coming up this weekend and Scare LA the following weekend, Universal Studios Hollywood's creative team for Halloween Horror Nights  has announced a few mazes to whet your appetites for all things spooky.  Or SPOOPY as they may be... personally I prefer spoopy.  

So what are we getting at Universal Studios Hollywood this year?  

Freddy vs. Jason is a love story of stabby proportions or something... don't ask me, I've never seen any of these movies.  For all I know this is basically Grease with knives 'n' stuff.  Which really would've improved Grease when you think about it... 

Their write-up says this... 

"In "Freddy vs. Jason," demented killer Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street) returns to the scene of the crime, this time accompanied by notorious hockey mask killer Jason Voorhees (Friday The 13th) to inflict twice as much terror.  Inspired by New Line Cinema's 2003 film that brought together the biggest horror icons in history, this new experiential maze thrusts guests into an epic battle in which the fate of only one killer will survive."  

Well, it's good they're only killing their fate... and who the hell kills hockey masks?  My preview is that they will have flash gags where a loud noise will happen and someone will pop out from behind a door to scare you, and probably some water gags...

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre... because if he had a gun, everyone else in Texas would shoot him dead because Texans f**king love their guns more than they love their children... but what's this really about?  See, I always thought this was a musical or something... and instead of killing people they were killing it with their sick rhymes.  But no... this is about killing.  I guess, I've never seen these movies either... 

The official write-up... 

"The unspeakable terror embroiled within “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Blood Brothers” maze, based on Tobe Hooper’s original film, will pit guests against the unsavory wrath of the demented killer, Leatherface, and his mentally unhinged brother, Chop Top, as they unite in misery to expand the family’s cannibalistic enterprise and slaughter a new generation of innocent victims. With the perverse duo at the helm of a grotesque BBQ restaurant staged inside a dilapidated roadside gas station, unwitting guests will soon realize that new terror awaits as the blood brothers continue their hedonistic prey on human flesh."

Wait... so this is about a restaurant... so it's basically Waitress: The Musical... that's great, I really loved Sara Bareilles writing on that one.  Sugar... butter... flour... 

My prediction for this maze is a lot of really scary pies with a 3rd act bring down the house ballad about a woman who lost herself in a relationship and how she longs to regain herself... also stabbing and probably water gags... 

Michael Myers... the horrific human who brought us the same character with the same stupid Scottish accent since "So I Married An Axe Murderer" when he played his own father.  After that we got Fat Bastard in the Austen Powers movies and probably most prominently (and horribly), we got Shrek.  The man is a walking, talking horror film... 

Their official write-up... 

"Escaped mental patient Michael Myers makes a homecoming return in “Halloween:  Hell Comes to Haddonfield,” an all-new maze inspired by the second film in the classic “Halloween” horror franchise. Echoing the infamous words uttered by the film’s Dr. Sam Loomis, “You can’t kill the Boogeyman,” the twisted maze will shed new light on the terrifying lunacy of Michael Myers as he scours the streets of Haddonfield and stalks the halls of Haddonfield Memorial Hospital in ruthless pursuit of his victims." 

Wait... none of that mentioned Shrek... what the hell?  I mean, I don't want to remember that they exist either, but really.  Anyway... my prediction for this maze is a lot of bad Scottish accents, a stupid waffle making donkey and water gags... 

Well... that's my take on the announcements from Universal Studios Hollywood.  The event kicks off on September 16th, 2016... who's excited?